Beer mats: Stuart Laws’ ode to the silent protectors

This week, Stuart Laws is attempting to break the world record for number of beer mats flipped and caught in a minute. The current record stands at 74. Laws is going to hit 75. He has three attempts. Can he deliver? Or will he crumble under the pressure? We asked him to tell us about the phenomenon of beer mat flipping and exactly what beer mats mean to him.

The greatest enemy of wood isn’t fire or pressure. It’s our meek reminder of temperature diversity: condensation. That’s right, wood is consistently claiming condensation causes catastrophic corruption. When a glass is placed onto nude wood the moisture slips down the glass and onto the surface in a ring-like shape. That penetrates the wood’s protective surface and tattoos it for eternity.

That’s where the beer mat steps in, with ultimate politeness and the opposite of grandstanding. Pop that under your glass and it absorbs that condensation and saves the table from the ignominy of getting “proper ringed up”. So the next time you’re pouring one out for a friend, pour one out to the beer mat, but make sure you don’t get it on the table. Pour it on the carpet, no one gives a shit about carpet.

BUT.

If you really wish to exalt the beer mat on high then I really have some top advice. Pop on your Panama hat and slide down a working men’s club with just one intention, flipping everyone off. The sport of beer mat flipping is consistently turned down by the Olympics but is consistently turned on by geezers of all genders.

The sport is simple, slide a beer mat so it overhangs the edge of the pristine, undamaged table. With one hand flip it towards and upwards and then catch it in the same hand with it having completed a 180 degree rotation. Repeat ad infinitum.

I’ve been doing it since I was a young child, when my little paws could barely grip a beer mat. The sport had a grip on me though and now, 30 years later I’m attempting a world record of flipping 75 of them in 60 seconds. The sport is versatile though — how about doing a beer mat in each hand at the same time? How about a stack of beer mats? (Personal record 43) How about doing it blindfolded whilst hammered and trying to keep an eye on whether your Uber has arrived?

How about utilising it as a key structural element of your brand new stand up comedy show ‘Stuart Laws? Is That Guy Still Going?’ or even as the central conceit of your one-off Comedians Beer Mat Flipping Super Bowl?

Stuart Laws will be making his world record attempt on Friday August 4th, at 12:45pm in the Monkey Barrel bar.

Stuart Laws? Is That Guy Still Going? runs August 1-27th, 4:45pm at Monkey Barrel — Hive 2 (tickets here); and the one-off show Comedians Beer Mat Flipping Super Bowl is August 15th, 11:30pm at the Pleasance QueenDome (tickets here).