Sophie Zucker: 5 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD DATE YOUR COUSIN
Sophie Zucker is making her Edinburgh Fringe debut with Sophie Sucks Face, a one-woman musical about love, death, and incest. She’s not personally into incest, but she’s got some reasons why cousin-dating might not be such a terrible idea.
When I tell people my show is about a girl who falls in love with her cousin, most people’s first reactions are, “Ew! Did you do that?” To address the latter part of the comment, no. Though I have many eligible bachelor cousins, my show is autofictional (the character is me, but the stuff I do is made up — think Lena Dunham’s GIRLS) and also, I am happily dating a man who is not my relative. But it’s the “ew” I take issue with. Sure, dating your cousin might be a bit socially unacceptable, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea. In fact, in writing this show, I’ve come up with some reasons why dating your cousin could be practical and even fulfilling. Here they are for your convenience:
Cousins used to marry each other as recently as 100 years ago — That’s right, baby! Cousin-marriage is traditional, just like the Bible and men beating their wives. It’s a historic practice. In fact, this makes it kind of retro — you’ve seen the TikToks about going off grid, homesteading and flip phones, why not add this incestuous trend to your nostalgic lineup?
You already share the same last name — Talk about convenience! Having had every name on Facebook from Stringcheese Zucker to Cheese Stick to Sophie Cheddar, I’ll be the first to tell you that changing your name on social media has become increasingly difficult. They’ve really started to crack down…why? I’m not trying to steal someone’s identity, I’m just trying to change my name to some variation of cheese when I get bored! But regardless, I am out of name changes, so marrying someone with the same last name as me is my only option.
You have a lot in common — Genetically speaking, there’s gotta be some overlap. And what is a better sign of compatibility than shared DNA? You’re out here trying to meet a guy in a bar who’s into Zadie Smith AND loves football?! It’s much easier to look at your own book-loving athletic family tree. Bonus points: he’ll understand just how annoying your relatives are because they’re his too.
Half the wedding guests — Have you seen the cost of weddings these days? Between inflation and of course the ever painful long dick of late capitalism, the wedding industrial complex has gotten out of control. Imagine if by inviting your family, you also somehow invited your partner’s family. Less chicken dinners for everyone → more money to spend on your after party outfit.
The thrill of forbidden love — I’m not an idiot. Obviously, it’s not kosher to be dating your cousin. You’re going to have to keep it a secret, like Romeo and Juliet or my friend and her manager at work. And that, my friends, is what keeps the relationship spicy! Sneaking into family reunions like you haven’t just been lipsing? Holding hands discreetly at Grandma’s funeral? This is the stuff that could fuel a love for ages.
If you loved this article, come see my show that’s about incest. And if you hated this article, please come see my show that’s about much more than incest. *Mwah* (that’s a cousin kiss)
Sophie Sucks Face runs at Underbelly Bristo Square from August 2 - 28th (not 14), 10:15pm. Tickets here
