Fantasy Fringe

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Fantasy Fringe 〰️

We’re excited about the Edinburgh Fringe, but it’s clear it needs to change. A lot of people have a lot of ideas, but nothing has really happened yet. So we decided to ask the comedians themselves: in your fantasy, what would the Fringe look like? It might have been a mistake.

Kathy Maniura has a gift — she knows what sort of person an object would be. She’s collected all the most interesting ones and is ready to share them with you in her character comedy show Objectified.

If anyone has the clearest vision for a Fantasy Fringe of the future, it’s the veterans who’ve been there year in, year out. I present to you the Fantasy Fringe of 3 staple Fringe objects.

Discarded Flyer on the Street

Don’t look at me!!! I look like shit!! You should have seen me 2 hours ago, fresh in the hand of a young flyerer. I don’t want to blame them but SOME ENTHUSIASM PLEASE. Do me justice!! Do you know many people were involved to make me look this good? It takes a village, ha!

You know what I think the Fringe needs? Everyone carrying around a ring binder, collecting flyers that they handle with CARE and RESPECT, sliding them into a plastic wallet and sorting them alphabetically. Perhaps they bring a selection of A5 frames with them, fill them with their favourite flyers throughout the month, take them home and hang them above the fireplace.

Where is the justice?? I have been crumpled up and shoved in pockets, do you know how uncomfortable that is? Right by your arse, the INDIGNITY. Or tossed in the bottom of a tote, rammed up against all the other desperate flyers. I don’t want to get into it but it’s BRUTAL in there, some of us never recover.

And now I’m in the friggin’ gutter. I can’t believe it honestly. A literal tree died for this.

Lanyard

I’m very busy and important. Sorry, I just don’t really have time to talk. I would however like to say that I think everyone could do with taking the Fringe a bit more seriously. Accreditation worn at all times please. Key data emblazoned on your chest. I’d like to see security on every door, nay, every street of this town. I’d like to see passes checked regularly, and thoroughly. It’s all about process. Very often these days with security it’s but a cursory glance at me - outrageously lax.

And cleanliness please. Clean necks, an hourly wipe. Could you make sure I’m not dangling in your pint (perhaps there should be no pints, too risky), or your chips (again? Disgusting, cook a nutritious meal, you heathen) or the TOILET (these artist types are a nightmare I’m telling you)? The Fringe should only be done by serious, organised people.

Silent Disco Headset

Firstly…omg I’m so sorry. This absolutely wasn’t the plan. Like, I’m trying to make it quieter for everyone - if you can believe that!! The whole point is that people who want to listen to ABBA at random times can get their kicks while everyone else just like lives their lives. I should be adored, saving you from hearing Katy Perry at 1pm but no! Now - because of me, you’re hearing Katy Perry screamed acapella by a bunch of tourists which - we’ve all found out the hard way - is much, much worse.

I’m so embarrassed. Ashamed, even. My Fantasy Fringe? To get the hell out of here. I shouldn’t even be here. I’m not art, I’m not culture. Send me back to the hen parties and 16th birthdays where I belong. Truly, take me to Leith and throw me in the sea.

Kathy Maniura brings her debut solo character comedy hour ‘Objectified’ to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, performing at 4.40pm at Gilded Balloon Teviot Wee Room from 2nd -28th August (excluding 14th). Tickets here.

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