‘6:30pm, tell Russell Howard he’s smelly’: Alex Franklin’s super chill Fringe
Fantasy Fringe
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Fantasy Fringe 〰️
We’re excited about the Edinburgh Fringe, but it’s clear it needs to change. A lot of people have a lot of ideas, but nothing has really happened yet. So we decided to ask the comedians themselves: in your fantasy, what would the Fringe look like? It might have been a mistake.
Alex Franklin is chill. Just so so chill actually. Because they’re so chill, they’re going to have a perfect Fringe, the kind that only chill people get to have. Follow this schedule to the minute every single day for your very own entirely chill Fringe.
03:00 - Wake up perfectly with the transition out of REM sleep (as is typical), and prepare for pre-post-sleep workout warm-up.
03:10 - Pre-post-sleep workout warm-up
04:50 - Post pre-post-sleep workout warm-up workout
04:52 - Post post pre-post-sleep workout warm-up workout warm-down
05:00 - Meal prep for the day so you can eat on the go. Two liquid meals (breakfast and lunch). Dinner as compressed gas in a tupperware.
05:50 - Read the next chapter of Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War’. Brainstorm how its lessons apply to flyering and/ or artistry in general.
06:30 - Family time. Call Dad to see how he is doing. In bed so doesn’t answer. Lazy. This is why he hasn’t maximised his potential.
07:00 - Psych self up in the mirror with affirmations. Say ‘You are as good as Phil Wang’ repeatedly without blinking. Repeat for one hour (minimum).
08:10 - Go on TikTok and steal the funniest jokes from teenagers. If they complain, threaten them with a class-action lawsuit (Note-to-self: find out what a ‘class-action lawsuit’ is).
08:15 - 45 minute networking session of replying to Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s twitter posts.
09:00 - Spread vicious rumours in your various comedy circles, this week you’ll be targeting Russell Howard, and saying that he is ‘smelly’.
09:30 - Leave anonymous hate comments under your rival’s Instagram posts, saying stuff like ‘Russell Howard is super smelly’.
09:35 - 6 hour flyering session.
15:45 - Head to show. Minimise journey time by taking a racing line to maintain max velocity.
15:50 - Memorise all the current ticket holders for your performance (name, age, occupation). Adjust show to accommodate their tastes based on assumptions from 2021 census data.
16:01 - First laugh of the show (Uproarious).
16:02 - Second laugh of the show (Jockular and boisterous).
16:37 - Third laugh of the show (Intentional tension, it’s mostly a drama/ thriller).
16:45 - Perform the ‘Russell Howard is smelly’ monologue, to rousing applause.
16:52 - Fourth and final laugh of the show. Someone laughs so hard they die. You hold a two minute silence for their memory.
16:56 - Phone call. It’s the Academy Awards. They offer you the award for the best performance ever. You turn them down; you tell them “give it to the audience, as they’re the real heroes”.
17:05 - Thank the venue staff for helping with your show. To maintain friendly relationships with them, try your best to bring all their deceased pets back from the dead (don’t promise too much though).
17:08 - Bathroom break.
17:10 - Begin your shift volunteering at a local rustic Edinburgh Cafe (Starbucks). Transport drinks from the counter to the seated customers. If they point out you’re not an employee, throw the coffee in their eyes and run (make sure you stretch first).
18:30 - Bump into Russell Howard in Pleasance bar. He smells delightful. Tell him the opposite.
18:34 - Second bathroom break.
18:55 - Meet up with your various Hinge dates (all at once). Figure out who is the most suitable match using a knockout-style bracket tournament, with each round based on the games from Squid Game (within legal limits). Don’t forget to flyer those who are eliminated (the Fringe lives and dies off word of mouth!).
19:05 - Do one million push ups.
19:10 - Shower (clean!).
19:12 - Do one billion more push ups.
19:19 - Brush teeth (hygiene!).
19:21 - Brush teeth again (for fun!).
19:50 - Cryochamber recovery session (like Mark Wahlberg).
21:00 - Climb Arthur’s Seat and release some captured butterflies to signal a fresh start and the dawn of a new age!
21:05 - Detonate the remote devices you placed on the butterflies. We must not disrupt Scotland’s natural ecosystem.
23:00 - Dinner time!
00:30 - See a show!
00:45 - Bed.
Alex Franklin: I Must Reach the Summit, Please God I Must Reach the Summit runs at Underbelly Cowgate from August 3-27th at 3:55pm. Tickets here
