Lachlan Werner: 7 Hot Ghoul Boss Hexes from Brew The Witch
Fantasy Fringe
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Fantasy Fringe 〰️
We’re excited about the Edinburgh Fringe, but it’s clear it needs to change. A lot of people have a lot of ideas, but nothing has really happened yet. So we decided to ask the comedians themselves: in your fantasy, what would the Fringe look like? It might have been a mistake.
Lachlan Werner and Brew the small squishy witch are making their debut together. Lachlan is going to be sacrificed every night for a month and Brew is doing the sacrificing. And as a witch, she just knows things, so she’s got a list of tips for being the ultimate Fringe ghoul boss.
HELLO! (creepy, warbly voice) helloooo, LMAOnaise readers! Don’t panic. I know you’re panicking. Don’t. Chill the fuck out. Have a cuppa, take a beta-blocker, have a swig of CBD oil — WHATEVER YOU NEED. OK?
OK.
I know — Eddy Fringe is just around the corner (ooOOOooo creeeepy). But I’ve got you. Me, your favourite woman of shadows, ghostlight, gate-creep, ghoul-boss, Brew the Witch (clap clap, you love me).
For a long time, performers have been going to Edinburgh every summer only to cry off all their facepaint into a takeaway box of haggis and rain. NOT HAVING THE SEXUAL TIME THEY SHOULD. I’ve got seven hot tips for having the Fringe of your dreams! (AKA, a psychosexual scarefest — veeery lucrative, very hot).
As an extra (trick or) treat, I’ll add a list of every boy Lachlan Werner fancies (not clickbait)!
P.S. Lachlan is ghost-writing this for me (OooOOOooo ghooost) because for some reason all I can do is slap the keyboard limply. He’s a GOOD BOY.
TIP 1: GIVEAWAYS
We've all heard that giveaways are one of the most effective marketing techniques in the social-media age. So when trying to sell your show (or soul or whatever you're peddling at Fringe), Give. Things. Away.
Don't be shy, I'm talking about everything from leftover food to your boyfriend. Everything must go. It's been proven a fantastic way to get people to like you.
TIP 2: SELL YOURSELF (UNLESS YOU’RE BORING; THEN SELL SOMETHING BETTER)
Important reminder for a (sexually) fulfilling Fringe: BE YOURSELF. Unless you are boring and don’t have any discernible skills or style or personality. In that case there are loads of identities you can just steal.
If you’re scared of getting arrested (stop being a wuss) there are ways to exaggerate what you’ve got.
You talk too much? NO. You’re a public speaker.
Sometimes you fall down the stairs? NO. You’re trying acrobatics.
It’s not lying, it’s razzle dazzle — where do you think experts come from?!
Do I technically know any spells? Or do I know the gist of songs that sound like demonic chanting (ketchup song, anything mama say mama sa mama coosa, padam padam)? I won't disclose the answer here, but don’t let your limits stop you! Manifest it! Start a MLM selling cream! Sell your son!
TIP 3: SACRIFICE YOUR ENEMIES
I’m looking at you, Bennett.
TIP 4: REMEMBER YOUR TEA-TOWELS
Other people will say other things are more essential in Scotland — raincoats, umbrellas, warm meals, friends. Don’t listen to them. Tea-towels are all you’re going to need. Just trust me on this. John Lewis does some really nice orange ones with Lemons on. Worth a look.
TIP 5: BRING LACKEYS/HIT MEN
Not flyerers. I’m talking cold-blooded right-hand-men who get dirty work DONE. If you can’t find someone who fits that criteria, fuck it. Take what you can. Find a twink who’d otherwise be lifeguarding at the community pool or DJing at a Butlins for the summer. They will be honoured and chuffed to give up a month in exchange for a floor to sleep on at the world’s biggest arts festival. This is not a scam, this doesn’t violate any labour laws. You need a solid team — or a fairly weak, dyspraxic one if that’s the best you could do — to fight your corner.
Your nemesis who stole your boyfriend is nominated for the same award as you? Send your footmen to TAKE THEM OUT!
You need eye of newt to curse that stand-up who put their poster over yours? Houseboy, out to the ponds you go!
Fancy a dad in the audience at the kids gig? Lachlan, I need [redacted], [redacted] and handcuffs!
TIP 6: GHOSTS ARE DTF
Yes. Yes. The spirit realm is hoooooorny. Obviously if you can butter your muffins with other (live) people at the Fringe, maybe call that plan A. But if you’re a freaky little creep (and you’ve read this far so odds are, that shoe fits) or you find comedians intolerable company, there is always the lingering 300 year old gurning phantom of an old Scottish devil worshipper called George*.
TIP 7: BRUSH YOUR TEETH
Morning and night. Xo
There you have it. Seven cohesive, clear tips for having a wild, witchy month in a wet place. And now, as promised, a conclusive list of boys Lachlan fancies…
Oh shit, sorry, I’ve actually just reached my word count. Well, until next time!
Ta for having me,
Brew Xoxoxo
*They told me this on a ghost tour last summer. I, Brew the Witch, take no legal responsibility if George is a tourist/thirst trap.
Lachlan Werner: Voices of Evil runs at Pleasance Courtyard from August 2-27th, 10:30pm. Tickets here
