Fringe Magic

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Fringe Magic 〰️

It’s time for Edinburgh Fringe 2025, and with it, our annual feature series! This year, we’re celebrating the special, unique Fringe moments — the ones that feel like pure MAGIC…

A thought piece by Judy Smitten

‘I used to think that love-potions were mumbo jumbo nonsense. I had to hit rock bottom before I discovered how wrong I was.’

Aged 52, my long-term partner, Morris, hadn’t kissed me in twelve years. He hadn’t touched me in over five. The only time was when we’d try and grab the same spoon from the cutlery draw – yes ladies, we’ve all been there!. He hadn’t even looked me in the eye for twenty years! Now I finally know why: in fact, Morris couldn’t see me at all, on account of my milky complexion and his cataracts. I blended flawlessly with our beige furniture (more on that in ‘Why I started wearing Red: a story of passion rediscovered’).

I needed to spice our marriage up, fast. I was a volcano ready to blow. And the idea of being responsible for Pompei 2.0 – turning everyone in East Surrey to stone with my hot fiery juices – filled me with dread. So, I took my fate into my own hands, and started believing in Love Potions.

Below are a few of my favourite mystical juices (that’s Love Potions to the novices out there), to be perused at your leisure.

Get-him-hot-HOT-sauce

The potion that turned Morris into a sensual TIGER.

If your beau doesn’t like his dinner picante, I’d advise mixing in a large amount of Onken yoghurt. This potion gave Morris the shits for three days, but after it worked its way through him, he was insatiable.

Recipe:

Hot Sauce
A lock of pubic hair (doesn’t matter whose, but I’d advise against using your own)
Chilli powder
Tears of a virgin (doesn’t matter whose, but I’d advise against using your own)
Chilli flakes
Simply pop these ingredients into a Vindaloo, Madras or Jalfrezi – chef’s choice.

For full disclosure, no, this potion did not save my relationship. This potion ignited Morris’s libido, but he still couldn’t see me, bonking himself to oblivion on the cream chaise longue that I blended into so flawlessly.

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The Turn-Off Potion

Potions aren’t just for blasting a firework up your fanny, they can also turn it completely numb!

Here is a recipe that will turn your hot lust into wet lettuce: The first time I used this potion was when I had a crush on a colleague – the kind where you catch eyes over the top of the computer and can’t stop dribbling. All my reports were in gibberish because my fingers were so slippy from the saliva on the keys. I was nearly fired! Look I’m drivibbling just nOw thinkining abououit it ! Farben josden odpuk!

Recipe:

Eye of Newt
Pinch of Cod
Pickled herring
Twist a frog and place the bubbles that come out of its rear into a ziplock bag
A sock of the person you want to forget.
Mix the fish and amphibian together (don’t scramble)
Put the mixture into the sock and set it on fire.

You’ll note that this one involves twisting a toad and a large amount of dead fish. Now, I don’t endorse animal cruelty. But I do endorse this potion being amazing! I regained control of my life and started typing proficiently again. Now I am a successful CEO. I have sex with all my employees and dribble where I want.

LOVE ACTUALLY potion

After watching Morris bonk himself to the point of cardiac arrest, I knew there had to be a gentler way to his heart. I tried:

Recipe:

Rose petals, chewed up and spat out.
The sex gland of a Gnu.
Milk (not strictly necessary, but does make it more palatable and apparently very good for your eyesigh!t)
Love Actually on DVD, ground into pulp (I didn’t have time to grind up the DVD, so I cut it up into little shards. Worked a treat!)

The science behind this is that the data from the DVD reaches into your subconscious and alters it. This was the method used by the CIA for brainwashing in the 60s! And it’s actually the reason so many people falsely think they are spies: they were fed James Bond in the 60s!

For full disclosure, no, this potion did not save my relationship: The shards of DVD gave Morris a nasty dose of internal bleeding. You really could say he was bleeding love… actually!

That’s a horrible joke to make about my husband’s near death experience. But maybe one day… when he remembers I exist again… he’ll read this article and we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh about the things we do for love.

I love you Morris Smitten.

Ada & Bron: The Origin of Love is at the Pleasance Courtyard (Attic) from July 30-August 24th, 11pm. Tickets here

Follow Ada and Bron on Instagram: @ada_pea, @bronwaugh @edlyness; and TikTok: @Ada_Bron

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