Sarah Roberts’ Fantasy Fringe: Welcome to the Worm Colony

Fantasy Fringe

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Fantasy Fringe 〰️

We’re excited about the Edinburgh Fringe, but it’s clear it needs to change. A lot of people have a lot of ideas, but nothing has really happened yet. So we decided to ask the comedians themselves: in your fantasy, what would the Fringe look like? It might have been a mistake.

Here is Sarah Roberts describing what happens in the next stage of evolution when we all turn into worms. Which worm do you become?

Uh oh. You just took a nap and woke up 1,000 years into the future in the year 3023. The world is rubble. There is nothing but worms. They’ve gained consciousness (but critically not self-awareness) and they’ve started a yearly arts festival. Every August, underground in the worm colony, everything suddenly becomes randomly expensive and everyone starts slithering along to a silent disco and snogging each other.

Uh oh again. You also slept for so long you’ve morphed into a worm while retaining your general current vibe. Get to know your worm body. What’s going on down there?

Do you eat other worms?

Then you’re a Landlord Worm.

This worm is a gatekeeper. This worm has got her fingers in all the pies (tail in all the tunnels). This worm is charging you £10,000 for a room you can only access through a toilet. This worm has put a poster in your* room that says ‘there’s no freedom under capitalism’. This poster is the last thing you see every morning at 5am before you go to sleep. This worm has a front row ticket to see Ricky Gervais.

Can you digest half of your body weight on average each day?

Then you’re a Nerd Worm.

This worm loves it all. This worm will take your flyer. This worm will give you his flyer right back, and perform an 8 minute monologue at you from his show as a taster. This worm sees 30 shows a day because that’s just who he is. This worm is young. This worm is lapping it all up. This worm fucks. But only once a year at the Fringe.

Do you become paralysed if you’re exposed to light for too long?

Then you’re a Despondent Worm.

This worm hasn’t missed a Fringe in 40 years. This worm doesn’t feel good but he’s got a bloody show to get to. The joy has drained from this worm’s eyes, and he’s very hungover. This worm has seen it all before, only better. And cheaper. But right now, he just needs to focus on not throwing up during his colleague’s sister’s goddaughter’s 10am one woman mime version of Mosquito Lake he promised to go to.

Are you one of 6,000 types of worms?

Then you’re a Girlfriend Worm.

This worm gets it. This worm snogged a clown on the first night of Fringe and got a stomach bug. This worm knows she could do TikTok. She just doesn’t want to. This worm is at The Flick right now doing karaoke. This worm is on sertraline. This worm is just like other worms and she wants to know if you’d still fancy her if she was a human. This worm will ruin your life. This worm is perfect.

Can you breathe through skin and have no lungs?

Then you’re a Reviewer Worm.

This worm has THINGS. TO. SAY. And places to be. And opinions presented as facts. This worm is not consistent. Got a show without any meaning? Not on his watch. Got a show about your dead dad? Get over it. Got a show? He’ll sleep right through it. And then tell you it was really bad. This worm has power. This worm will give you 1 star. You are very grateful this worm came to your show.

Are you a 6ft long worm?

Then you’re ‘The Guy’ Worm.

This worm is The Guy TM. No one can go for a shit without seeing this worm’s poster. This worm’s grandma died to pay for their PR. Whole forests were destroyed for their flyers. Whole universities were disbanded to hand the flyers out. Whole broadsheets are dedicated to their show. This worm is a Giant Gippsland (look it up). This worm is £10,000 in debt.

Can you regenerate segments of your body?

Then you’re a Clown Worm.

This worm trained at Gaulier. This worm keeps getting lost above ground. This worm got a bad review yesterday but that’s ok because actually the reviewer just didn’t really get it. This worm has props (twigs). This worm will give you a stomach bug. This worm is a fun little guy.

I’ll be worming around myself in the last week of Edinburgh Fringe. Come to my show ‘Sarah Roberts: Worm In Progress’ at Cabaret Voltaire 20-27th August, 12.30pm (early bird catches the worm). It’s not really very much about worms, mostly it’s just about me.