Suchandrika Chakrabarti: Best Practice For Safe Time Travel (A Quiz)

Welcome to our Fringe Debuts 2022 series, where comedians taking their first show to Edinburgh Fringe will give you a little taster of what to expect, an insight into their world, or really super weird musings on something equally bizarre — to be honest, we just let them run with it. If you’re readying yourself for a giant lol injection in August, now’s your chance to find something NEW to add to your list.

Suchandrika Chakrabarti is performing I Miss Amy Winehouse, a stand-up comedy hour about nostalgia, grief and celebrity, in which she tries to find the solution to missing someone. One of the suggestions explored in the show is time travel, which is potentially very dangerous. Here, she presents a quiz on time-travelling safely.

1. You encounter your past self in the smoking area outside The Hawley Arms in Camden in 2006. Do you tell her off for smoking or cadge a menthol off her?

A. Telling off

B. Cadge

C. Ignore it

Answer: B. Cadge: to her, you’re an elderly person in comfy trainers on her night out, you’ve got to win her trust. 3 points.

If you chose A: -1, you’ll possibly affect the fabric of space and time if she listens to you and quits on the spot.

If you chose C: 0, what kind of older version of her are you? Don’t you care about her/your health?!

2. A person whose face is obscured by a hood seems to be staring at the two of you. What do you do?

A. Nothing, so as not to disturb the fragile equilibrium of the space-time continuum.

B. Accidentally on purpose step on their foot (get 2006 version to do it, she’s wearing heels).

C. Notice that they’re taking notes and sidle over to get a look at them…

Answer: C, obviously. 3 points. It’s the only option that moves the plot along.

If you chose A: 1 point, but please, develop a sense of adventure! You want something to tell the grandchildren (but try not to become their uncle/aunt on this trip, thus creating a number of awkward paradoxes).

If you chose B: -1, stop choosing chaos, you will cause the apocalypse, and then you’ll be sorry.

3. You get a look at the notes: they’ve written “Sequel” at the top, and then “1. Return to 2006 to find both” - what do you do?

A. GASP!

B. Not sure, bit confused.

C. Your 2006 self - younger, bolder and given a height advantage by those heels - pulls off the hood, and-

Answer: C, again, obviously. 3 points. This is getting popcorn.gif levels of intriguing!

If you chose A: 0 points, who was that gasp even for?

If you chose B: -1 points, just go back to 2022 already. You’re not made for this.

4. The shadowy watching figure is - you’ve guessed it - you! But from the year 2023. Why have they come here, bumping into their past selves and risking the fate of the universe?

A. Unbeknownst to your 2006 or 2022 selves, this trip ends with you somehow breaking up Kate Moss and Pete Doherty, ruining both the music and fashion industries for years to come - they’re here to stop this.

B. They’re writing a sequel to ‘I Miss Amy Winehouse’ called ‘I Miss Amy Winehouse 2: What Kind Of Fuckery Is This?’

C. They’re desperate for a menthol.

Answer: It’s a combination of B and C, so 3 points if you chose either, 10 if you chose both.

If you chose A: -10 points, come on now.

5. Your 2023 self points towards the bouncer and says:

A. “She’s over there!”

B. “Is it one-in one-out already?”

C. She collapses into a coughing fit because she’s not smoked in a long time.

Answer: It’s the A and C combi (ooh!) so 20 points if you got both, nothing if you got just one of them.

If you chose B: 1 point. It is, but that’s not our focus right now.

6. Someone runs over to you - it’s you! The oldest version yet - from 2025. She throws her gin and tonic onto 2023 and revives her. The drink also splashes someone else, who turns round and reveals herself to be the 1999 version of you. What do 1999 and 2025 have to say?

A. 1999: “I’m old!” 2025: “I’m young!”

B. 1999: “I’m trying to remember my fake birthday.” 2025: “Hey, kid, don’t go to the Millennium Dome, it’s a portal to hell!”

C. Both: “Did Amy Winehouse just leave The Hawley? Where did she go?!”

Answer: If you chose all of them, all at the same time, you are correct. 100 points.

If you chose anything else: 0 points

Unfortunately, you have failed in your mission to meet Amy Winehouse. Back to 2022 with you.

7. Everything goes (back to) black. You wake up in the front row of a performance of ‘I Miss Amy Winehouse’ at Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2022. You lock eyes with me while I’m trying to do my show. What happens?

A. Critical acclaim, awards, fame, fortune…

B. The reviewer in that day gives it a glowing write-up, but only 3 stars.

C. Biff Tannen, who bullied your father in high school, has inexplicably become your family’s downtrodden servant.

Answer: None of them. 0 points no matter what you chose. Time travel isn’t real, silly! It’s just a fictional device we use to explore regret, longing and/or grief. It’s an impossible notion that can make these heavy subjects just a bit easier to bear. The only way us melancholy little humans can travel through time is by listening to Amy Winehouse’s album Back to Black on repeat during a pandemic lockdown. Please come and see my show.

Suchandrika Chakrabarti: I Miss Amy Winehouse runs 6-28th Aug, 12:15pm, at Paradise in the Vault. Tickets here

Suchandrika is on Twitter at @SuchandrikaC at Instagram at @Suchandrika