Everything wrong with the top 5 films on IMDB
By Joz Norris and Miranda Holms
Hi. We’re Joz and Miranda. We run Eggbox, a night of short film screenings and live script readings which is coming to the Pleasance Theatre in London on October the 1st to showcase some of the best and most exciting things to emerge from the scripted comedy community over the last year or so.
Now, you might have heard a bit about this show and seen that we’re also using the opportunity to show some of our own scripts and films, and thought “Hey, isn’t that kind of arrogant? You’re putting on a show that claims to represent the VERY BEST of the scripted comedy scene, and you’re just plonking yourselves right in there like you’re the king and queen of the manor? Who do you think you are?”
Well, LMAOnaise have kindly given us this space to explain to you ignorant rabble EXACTLY who we are. We’re the greatest filmmaking duo of all time, that’s who. Need us to demonstrate? Sure thing. Watch this:
Spielberg. Scorsese. Kubrick.
We’ve never heard of any of these people. That’s how far ahead we are. And to prove how far ahead of the competition we are as writers and filmmakers, we’ve gone through the top 5 films on IMDb and decided exactly where each of them went wrong. Marvel at our unfathomable genius:
1: THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
What’s the ONE thing people love about movies? Exotic locations, that’s what. This boring film takes place entirely in one depressing building, then right at the end, just as the lead characters rendezvous on a gorgeous beach, the credits roll. What??? We watched over two hours of a bunch of men worrying about some dirt just to watch Andy and Red NOT get in a boat and go fight pirates on the high seas? We honestly couldn’t believe it ended there, it’s so obvious all the way through that it should end with a big fight on a pirate ship, and then it gets SO close to it and bails out at the last minute. This movie was a waste of our time.
2: THE GODFATHER
What’s the ONE thing people love about movies? That’s right, Gandalf. It feels like this film is really missing out on the Godfather having some kind of magical powers – why have a grumpy paternal figure in your film if he’s not going to be a wizard? There would be a lot less fuss all round if he could just disappear people in a puff of sparkles. Also, yes it’s a classic image but instead of a horse – really nice tall hairy guys who didn’t do nothing to nobody – couldn’t they have used something easily replaceable like a hamster instead? Admittedly it would be harder to find a hamster’s head in your bedsheets, but perhaps there could be a Princess and the Pea-inspired subplot where the Godfather bestows his crime empire on whoever notices the head.
3: THE DARK KNIGHT
The clown in this movie is annoying and creepy, and he doesn’t do any tricks. If you’re going to put a clown in your movie as a major character, he HAS to be fun and silly. That’s what clowns are FOR. We’ve been to the Edinburgh Fringe a LOT, and we know good clowning when we see it - this guy doesn’t get his bum out once! Where are his balloon animals? He doesn’t do any particularly inventive routines and his makeup is sooooo bad. Somebody get Gaullier on the phone! Also why have they cast a brooding model as a massive bat? All he does is stand on gargoyles and pose – this is a movie not a bloody perfume advert!
4: THE GODFATHER PART II
We’re disappointed that the Godfather didn’t end up marrying the Fairy Godmother from Shrek 2 in this one – two master manipulators making each others’ lives hell, this could’ve been the sitcom we’re all desperate for. Yes, it does feel like the kind of dangerous love match that produces babies like Donald Trump, we never said our version of the film wouldn’t be disturbing. The “two timelines” idea is good, but could have been even better if they’d gone down our Shrek crossover route: one timeline showing the promise of young love when Robert De Niro and Jennifer Saunders first meet, the other showing the harsh realities of a loveless marriage as they age into bitter, resentful husks – just with guns and pumpkins!
5: 12 ANGRY MEN
This is a pretty good movie, but where it fails is as a sequel in the Three Men And A Baby/Three Men And A Little Lady franchise. Selleck, Danson and Guttenberg have all been recast, and we actually had a hard time finding any references to the characters and storylines of the first two movies. The movie is very stylistically different, so maybe they were trying to soft-reboot the franchise, but you’d think the title could at least have tied back to the earlier films so fans didn’t feel confused – “Twelve Angry Men: Three Of Them Angry Because They’re No Longer In Touch With Their Adopted Daughter, Nine Angry For Other Reasons” or something like that. Anyway, other than that, a brilliant movie.
There are 245 more films in the IMDb Top 250, but we think we’ve made our point. Now you’ve seen how smart and knowledgeable we are about films, why not book a ticket to our film and new writing night? You might just see the next Shawshank Redemption (only six minutes long and with no budget).
Eggbox is at the Pleasance Theatre, Islington on October 1st, 7:30pm. Full info and tickets here
